I feel as of late I've been struggling with my own heart. I feel disjointed, bent and tight in my own skin. It feels as though I'm not really sure of who I am anymore.
There is a part of me that feels I used to act in greater love and with greater compassion, I was more open to conversation and discussion, there was a time when searching for the Lord in my own time even seemed more fruitful. Now there seems to be a frustration, my temper feels short and my motives not always pure. I don't know, maybe I'm just tired.
I feel like I'm on Christian burn out. I am tired. I feel like my days off are catch up days, tomorrow is my day off, and I'm booked from 9am till probably around 11pm, I'm tired.
I think I miss God, I think I miss Him leading me as we walked together alone. He, telling me about Him, about us and the small press on my back as I walked forward like a toddler still trying to get my steps right. But as of late I've felt disconnected, it feels almost as though I'm trying to drag myself through my own walk. I can't help but wonder if its because at some point a few steps back I stopped letting God take my hand down this road and started piling Christiany things on top to live the good Christian life.
I'm kind of tired of Christiany things, and I'm starting to feel tired of Christian conversation, as I always find myself falling into anger during the talk.
I think perhaps it's just time I stepped out of the conversation for a while, I'm not good to anyone right now or myself or even God for that matter. Forgive me if I seem absent, or if I say no if you ask me to hang out, I think I just need some time to reorganize myself, my life and my motives.
It's time for a break.
